Light.
Here's to the late night scattered thoughts that inspired me to create this blog. Every mom's experience is different. This is just a small piece of mine...
DECEMBER 7, 2016
"When I was pregnant with you, my body felt so alive, so whole. After you were born, I had a bad fall down our basement stairs that took a toll on my body, let alone the toll of childbirth and constant lifting and carrying. I've felt tired, achy, and older, with not a clue how to get back to carefreeness and confidence. But tonight, I was wearing all black, and as I sat in your nursery in the dim light with my bathrobe lightly draped over my bare legs and you across my chest, I felt so beautiful... light, even. My head was not as heavy on my neck as it's been since my fall. I could gaze down at you with ease. I took a couple of minutes to just hold you close and press my cheek against yours as you slept, and remind myself how you'll just keep growing and growing, and I won't hold you across my chest in the middle of the night forever. I thought about the almost-romance of it all -- this connection we share, this physiological bond, the way we've nurtured each other along the way... how this love I have for you feels like it came from something outside of me but rings from within. A mother's love can't be contrived or dolled up. It's real and honest, overwhelming and earnest, messy and true. I sat there tonight after you nursed and prayed that God would forever hold you close, knowing that I will not always be able to... that he'd hold you close to all that is good, to Love. I laid you down and went into the bathroom, and a bright star caught my eye through the window. It was a pretty night sky. Deep indigo blue, scattered with faraway suns. I lay in bed and write, trying to capture my swimming thoughts like I do these moments, an attempt to imprint them on my mind. You are the closest to God I've ever known. You're the sweetest thing, the way you lean into the person in front of you -- into life. I've never seen a more genuine smile. You're the light to my world, girl. Keep on leaning in, keep on shining."